Monday, July 12, 2010

Why Rock stars are better off dead...

How many really, genuinely popular bands formed post - 1990 can you name? 2? No, those guys don't count, they don't really make music do they? Come on, think about it, there is no band now that's nearly as popular as any say, half a century or so back. The reason, in my opinion, is this - they're alive.

History has taught us that for a band to be really successful, some of it must be dead. Here's proof - The Who had Keith Moon; Led Zeppelin had John Bonham; Lynyrd Skynyrd, Ronnie Van Zant and Alan Collins; Pink Floyd had Syd Barrett; there was Jimi Hendrix; AC/DC had Bon Scott; The Beatles had John Lennon; Metallica had Cliff Burton; Ozzy had Randy Rhodes, the list goes on...

And the wilder the circumstances in which they died, the better it turned out for their popularity. If Choking on their vomit while knocked out drunk wasn't enough, there were airplane crashes, bus crashes, drug overdoses, suicides, getting shot by fans, and probably anything else that you could think of. It was even better if they dynamited toilets, rode motorcycles down hotel corridors, or snorted cocaine while doing one handed push-ups or something, while they were alive.

Rockstars don't do these things anymore, sadly. They're too busy saving blue whales, instead of trying to swallow them; or petitioning for Africa's debt crisis, although some might think Africa is a cow; or trying to save the Ozone Layer, maybe having been led to believe by some Eco-mentalist that Ozone is the fine inner coating of the paper used in rolling marijuana joints. God, it must be saved before all of humanity is doomed to a life without Ozone!

They needn't be much good at any of those, really, its not their job is it? But sadly, most aren't really much good in the studio either.

If say, any of the bands mentioned above were to perform in India, wouldn't you, assuming you aren't very dim-witted, have a ear and some taste for music want to attend it? I know I would. That’s the thing you see, these legends, all formed sometime in the middle of the last century still manage to capture our imagination, in a way Madame Gaga or Timber-man never could or can. Think about it, fifty years from now, when you're all old and grey would you travel the length of the country to watch Jay-Z(ed) perform? I would guess not.

This, needless to say, has a better chance of happening than me juggling chainsaws.

So while we sit and drool while watching and re-watching videos of them in concert; and then get sick on our keyboards after watching the MTV music awards or the Grammy’s with Slash playing the November Rain outro with zoo-noises to accompany him in the foreground; all I can say is, if I were to learn to play an instrument, and then were to think of making a band, the first person I’d hire would be the guy who dies. I’d let him know that, so he’d have plenty of time to decide how he intends to cross the pearly gates.

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